good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
