yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
