I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
