i love accidental penises.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
