Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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