Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
