Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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