When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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