i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
