I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
