Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
