He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
