I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
