Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
