did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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