Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
