I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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