goodnight i made you a song goodbye
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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