I will die if light touches me.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
