So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Shame is for Republicans.
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