I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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