Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
