its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
