I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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