someone threw a dead crab at me
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
