my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
