too bad you live with your parents still
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
