whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
