I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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