Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
