I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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