Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
