Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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