You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
