you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
