Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.