Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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