this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
