I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I enjoy the company of your penis
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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