when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
