Girls should come with a carfax report
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
