Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
