I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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