you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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