the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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