You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
