she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
