I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
