dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
