Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
