Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
