i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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