Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
