I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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