I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize