Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
