Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
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