wrigley field is MILF paradise
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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